Becoming the Brownies
“I just wanted to be a mother”
I never thought that I would be sharing my story with the whole web. Some of my deepest, darkest emotions and moments but I promised the Lord that I would share “His story” any opportunity that He allowed. So here goes…
I struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. After going to several doctors and being told there was “nothing wrong”, we kinda gave up. Miraculously, I became PREGNANT!!!! To say we were excited is an understatement! I had a somewhat easy pregnancy (besides hanging over the toilet) We found out we were having a little girl! Her name would be Lanie Grayce. I loved being pregnant and feeling her move inside me. Unfortunately, it all came to an end so abruptly! I went to the doctor because I just wasn’t feeling right and didn’t know it but I was going into labor and was leaking amniotic fluid at 21 weeks gestation. There was nothing the doctors could do! All we could do was PRAY that I would carry her to at least 24 weeks. Five days after being admitted to the hospital. I went into full blown labor. I delivered my sweet, little baby girl. She was just under a pound and lived about 5 mins. I remember laying in the hospital bed by my husband and crying so hard! My heart physically hurt from heart ache! It was overwhelming. I was so angry and mad at God. WHY would he do this to me? What did I do so wrong to be punished like this? ALL those questions and thoughts flooded me. I was allowing Satan to defeat me and I am not proud to say I let him do that for 2 years. In that time I got pregnant AGAIN but sadly miscarried just a few days later. For 2 years, I spun my wheels and tried so hard to make something happen that was out of my control.
As I was sitting at a traffic light one day the song “Jesus take the wheel” was very popular then (Laugh it’s ok. I know I am showing my age) but the lyrics to that song GOT ME! I realized that day I needed to yeild to God’s will not mine!
I am trying to make this short (HA) so to make a looooong story short. We pursued adoption and when I tell you the Lord answered prayers from day 1…HE DID!! We adopted a healthy little boy (who isn’t so little now)
Five years later, I got pregnant and was terrified but thank the Lord, I carried him to 39 weeks!! He was a healthy 6lb 6oz baby!
Four years later, I got pregnant again! He was our one that was a little anxious to meet his wild, big brothers. My water broke at 31 weeks but I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks with him cooking (wish I could insert the praise emoji hands) He was born at 33 weeks and thrived from day 1 in the NICU!!
If you made down this far and didn’t stop reading, Why did I write all of that? I want to tell you or maybe you know someone that is in the same situtaion, to not give up! There were days, that if it weren’t for my relationship with the Lord, I don’t know if I would have got through! I can look back now and see that if it weren’t for us losing our sweet angel, we would have never been open to adopting and I couldn’t imagine our family without my oldest son!
So when you look at our my family just know that the valley was so low but the mountain top is worth it!
I will leave you with this scripture that got me through…
“Shall not the judge of all the Earth do right?” Genesis 18:25